Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

So today is basically Day Four since I did that meditation/spell/thing to get myself to feel the energies around me. I'm not even halfway through the ordeal and I'm shocked that I'm even feeling anything. It's actually really taken me aback and I think I'm slowly starting to understand the different phases of this process. Also, I'm glad I picked nine days because... it's like a taste of it all without being too overwhelming??

Actually, it's been a lot to deal with so far and I'm having to make some interesting compromises to really get into this.

Day Two was probably one of the most shocking for me because of how it reminded me of panic and anxiety attacks I used to have when I was younger- I'd just feel overwhelmed and freak out. But, I understood what it was this time around. During a break at work I sat outside on the patio and just felt the wind and energies flowing around me and it was just extremely loud in my head. My temples hurt and noises weren't LOUD, but just extremely clear. I went back to work and my eyes couldn't stop focusing on the most tiny things like the demeanor of someone walking in or the glittering reflection of an ice cube.

I explained this to my coworker who gave me my Flower of Life and he understood and felt what I was doing; he said to make sure to just breathe deeply and breathe through my diaphragm... that it gets easier with time. Also, the breathing would distract me from being overpowered by the activity and swirling energies going on around me. Considering what I was experiencing and what I was feeling, I was glad I completely understood what he was talking about!

Since then, yesterday and today have been different. I haven't felt overwhelmed like that but rather way more sensitive internally. And by that, the foods I'm eating and the things I've been drinking have been affecting me much more than I might normally be aware or accustomed to. Dairy is making me physically ill and my taste buds are very alert. I took a bite of something covered in deep fried batter and had to spit it out because it tasted too strong and the texture and feeling of disgust were too much. Same thing with creme cheese and eggs and whipped creme. I can't describe it more than feeling like my body is making its opinion known, especially since this is my diet fairly regularly.

Either way, I'm interested on where this experience is taking me and hope to be able to ground myself a little better in case another overwhelming experience like a few days ago goes down.

I don't feel like a victim of circumstance or anything, but I've recently decided that I'm going to focus on trying to be more at peace with the energies of the people around me. Or at least, be able to flow and "go with it"; go with the flow.

For the first time in quite a while, I went out and did some drawings at one of the recent parks where I live, taking a little while to meditate and mentally prep myself for such an endeavor.

I've got to say, that as easy as it SEEMS, I am just a little bit afraid. I wrote about this in my journal and I'm aware of the fact that it's a little scary, but I'm not shying away. Aware of all the repercussions? No. Not in the least and I'm aware that the universe can throw some curve balls at me whenever it damn well pleases. But, I'm definitely willing to give this a try.

So what would this sort of thing entail? Being aware of the energies of others and being able to move within them. It's not about wanting to know what's going on in their hearts or minds but instead just being more sensitive to the essence of... "them". And as I said, this could be kind of frightening because the mood swings and energies of others are extremely erratic. But from what I think and feel about my surroundings, I want to feel elemental energies and different balances of others.

I can't say I'm anywhere NEAR fully in tune with the zodiac or anything, but I'm more aware of the major elements of others than someone might expect. I can't pinpoint, "oh, he's a Cancer"-- but I can say, "he's got a lot of water in him." So with what I was thinking about- wanting to be more in tune with people's energies, I want to be more in tune with those elements. I want to be able to see that as events happen that an element takes precedence and ripples through the energies of the people involved.

It's all extremely poetic but as I said it can be quite scary. I couldn't help but reflect on how being swept up in the moods of others would be borderline empathic and I honestly don't want to delve that deeply into things. It could affect me in a negative way if I were to become too preoccupied in the energies of the others and forget myself in the process. It'd be taxing on my energies in more than one way.

Then again, even that would be a learning experience, wouldn't it?

I don't know. I think I'm going to give myself nine days to experience this and meditate on it. Today has been a disaster because I haven't really done that but the day isn't over so there's still time to relax my senses and make it happen. And as for nine days, well, it's a beautiful number isn't it? I could go on and on about the Triple Goddess or whatever, but instead I like it for its numerology aspect and the fact that it's about COMPLETION. 3 x 3, yeah, but 9 is before 10... before the cycle repeats itself. Makes more sense in my mind to pin it on that reason versus "ZOMGITSTHEGODDESS." It's knowledge I can accept in my own experience and in my own practical ways.

I finally watched Religulous after wanting to see it since its release and I have to say... I was actually kind of really amused and impressed. It takes a lot of balls to say the things and ask the questions that Bill Maher confronted fundamentalist religious people with; I know I wouldn't be able to do it.

At the same time, it poses so many good questions that so many people are refusing to face within their own religious tenets- even my own. But, I wasn't offended by the movie in the least... it begs me to ask more questions about why I think the things I do and how I came to those conclusions which is so much more fulfilling than blind faith. Like... half the fun is just coming and stumbling on my own ideas and my own intellect than having it so easily written down in a book. I want to be able to decypher why I think what I do.

Why We Believe What We Believe: Uncovering Our Biological Need for Meaning, Spirituality, and Truth

There was a guy in the movie who was interviewed who I wish would have had more speaking time, a scientist who was spoken to at New York's Grand Central Station. The guy was Andrew Newberg and the books he's written definitely have me curious about his work. I think I want to go and pick up Why We Believe What We Believe just for kicks; I can see it being very insightful as to how the brain processes spiritual experiences and I really don't see it hindering my own spiritual thoughts... if anything, it'd be kind of liberating. If I can understand the state of my brain when I meditate- or what I'm actually doing to my thoughts as I read cards and connect meanings, it'd be kind of exciting-- not in the least bit submissive.

On a related note, I received the Flower of Life drawing one of my coworkers did for me and its amazingly beautiful. You wouldn't think that such simple shapes repeated over and over would be so comforting and soothing. I love that as I look at it, I'm deeply engaged and there never seems to be a moment when I'm bored looking at the repeating circles. It reminds me of the Spinning Ballerina Dancer and even the Necker Cube because as I look at it, I can pick out different shapes and layers.

My friend also charged it and I figure it should be fine to post what it was he wrote for me to read about it... without knowing me, you can't know what the charge really means, but it's nice nonetheless.

"The 4th Rotation from the Void

This piece is charged with the intent to connect to the energy beyond all the Elements, that connective force that holds the stars and the cells in your body.

When exposed to this, you will become aware that its ok to have what you want (for the good of all). You are here to bring Heaven on Earth by finding your Hapiness and your Truth.

Be rooted and find the Now, then you shall know God. Then you shall experience true Love.

Lately my life has started to fill with a rather different array of artists and spiritual people that I really can't ignore this as a sign anymore. At first I was taking it in a rather passive way: "there just so happens to be these sort of people around me now."- of course, taking place almost exactly on the New Year. Now each one of these people's dimensions are becoming more known to me than before. Not that I'm complaining but it's definitely putting me on my toes and serves as a strange validation.

Artistically, being questioned and prodded into action. Being held accountable to constantly be doing something creative... it's different. I hear about how they're working on X, Y, or Z and then they ask what I've been doing. Or suggest projects we should do together... Even though I've never worked with these people, opportunities are opening to where I can suddenly surprise them to take up the offer. A couple of them are comic artists and one of them sculpts. And, things are sorting themselves out in my life more to where these sorts of doors are able to be opened readily. For example, it's the middle of February and I've finally finished sorting myself out of all these mini side projects that have been taking up too much of my time...

Spiritually I'm a little bit more thrown off guard. At my workplace I see and come into contact with someone who both unnerves me but also puts me at ease. He radiates so much fluid energy and is extremely aware of his spirituality that I feel disoriented; I'm nowhere near the level he is or he's experiencing. But, as I said before, there's a strange validation going on between us. I read tarot for him and he was surprised and put at ease more than I had been expecting. As I said, strange validation: I hadn't expected someone at his level to hear something from someone like me. As a sign of mutual exchange, he's drawing something using Sacred Geometry that I will be able to meditate on.

So as I said, different fluid energies and people around me right now that it's making me feel good in my own shoes. Or in my own socks or in my own skin or whatever. The old me in the first posts of this blog feel like a distant memory but that's ok. I think the more comfortable I am interpreting the people around me, the stronger and happier person I'll be. And I'm definitely working on that right now.

Lately I've been thinking about sending something into PostSecret, but then the question of... "what?" comes up next with that. All my secrets are important to who I am as a person, however they all seem fleeting and taken for granted. In the time it would take me to come up with a postcard to send in, the fleeting-ness of my secret would make it feel unimportant and I don't think I'd have the desire to send it. And I want to make my secret submission something deep and meaningful and a good strong sentence that says a lot more than just the simple words on a card.

Of course, my secrets would include things I've told you privately- but I'd have to articulate them more. They might even include things that I'm even ashamed to tell you for fear of judgement of my character and fear of being deamed an attention whore- even from my best friend. It's a retarded reservation, but there are things that I know even you would feel uncomfortable talking about. If you can't tell your best friend some of your scariest secrets- who can you tell? Rhetorical, but so damn true. I don't think I would even have the courage to tell my ((LOL))soul mate[!] some of my secrets. I'd be terrified. And it's not something based out of just plain fear- it's like a fact to me.

Some of it is spiritual, some of it is sexual, some of it is just pure maniacal- like admitting my fetishes, horrendously violent thoughts, or just expading on cynisism of the world or hell- even just admitting the simple things that make me the most elated and happy to be alive. Basically- yes, fleeting.

Thinking on this subject, it really reminds me how much people are the most alike and how much I forget that other people have these sorts of thoughts at the same time as me. On a day-to-day basis, people seem like pure characatures of people: not "real beings". Besides the chosen few I stake out whose opinions matter, I forget that everyone else's mind is going at the exact same time- that they're thinking about things at the same time and maybe mirroring my own perseptions as well. Mundane things like, "wow- that cookie smells delicious..." or "it's cold outside!" or "what am I gonna eat for dinner when I get home?". Plain thoughts, ya, but I take for granted and just forget that billions of people on this planet have a little microcosm of thought swirling around in their head.

Remember when I said that I'm not that scared of being just a tiny being in the entire world of billions? That my problems are in fact pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things... and how that sort of thing doesn't scare me? It doesn't. However, knowing that everyone on the planet is thinking and pondering and forming together strings of thoughts or sentences or math equations seems to terrify me much more.

Even though I'm terrified of that... I indulge in watching facial expressions of people who I'm talking to, blowing off the conversation completely, deciding to remind myself that the facial expression is just a mere shadow of the thoughts that are rolling around in their head as they chemically process the world they're interacting in. It's fascinating and it fucking scares me at the same time.

So in a flurry of frustration, I finally decided to throw Raven Grimassi's Italian Witchcraft into the dark recesses of my closet shelf in an attempt to forget everything I'd just inhaled. However, I can't deny that I'm much more eagerly in the mood to read, research, and just KNOW. A couple weeks ago I stopped by the local Borders and picked up a book that is way more well researched and essentially... entertaining.

The Classical World: An Epic History from Homer to Hadrian

I'm currently still digesting the chapters about tyrants and what was originally considered "freedom", but Robin Lane Fox's The Classical World is honestly proving to be an awesome book. It's not so much a traditional high school text book as a narrative that is interesting and I'm actually learning a lot so far. Granted, I originally stepped into the bookstore looking for a single Roman history book, it may really be to my advantage to brush over some Greek history as well. As I plow through the book more, I'm sure I'll be talking more about what I learn, but for now, I think a simple appreciation for well researched and well thought out narrative will do nicely.

Da Vinci Code

Also just finished from my reading list was Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. To be honest... I can't say I was THAT enamored with the story. The movie was mediocre, the book was just "ok" to me. I definitely liked the nice conspiracy aspects of researching the Sacred Feminine- but as someone who at least knows the basics of that sort of history, I can't say what I read was any huge revelation. It was interesting and at least it was put out there in lay-man terms. I know my grandmother read it, as well as the parents of a lot of friends I know. Somehow as engrossed in the story as they were, I really can't imagine they learned very much or took anything with them from the story. If they saw the pentacle I wear around my neck, they'd probably think I'm up to no good. But alas, for what it was, the story was at least entertaining.

Worth noting, this is the first fiction book (besides the last Harry Potter book that came out...) that I've read in some time. I realized just a little bit that I've actually sort of missed it; I may start picking out random books from now on and try and get into them. Or at least try and read the "classics"- you know, Catcher in the Rye, Don Quixote, A Tale of Two Cities. It'd be cool to actually know what the hell happens in them that makes them so popular.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7)

My reading list has begun to pick up as of the last few weeks and I'm glad its the case. I haven't had any dedicated reading time since the last Harry Potter book which is actually pretty damn pathetic. Besides the wrapping up of an era for me, it really had no substance in terms of bettering myself.

I didn't even think much about the damn Harry Potter book. It was what it was, and it was good to wrap up and finish, but as for literary merit? Not very much, I don't think...

Either way, I've begun to really stop trying to judge a book by its cover, at least in the "Metaphysical" aisle of the Borders I frequent. For the longest time whenever I walked through the aisle that stored books about Past Life Regression, Animal Spirits, and Candle Magick, I wrinkled my nose and said "no thanks." My mother made a comment to me about it one day when I walked by there- that she said I'm too skeptical and cynical about the books I pick up. It's not that I don't think they don't have some sort of merit... it's just I don't want to buy or read a bullshit book. It's a pretty understandable feeling, isn't it?

Italian Witchcraft: The Old Religion of Southern Europe

So in my attempt to break out of my stereotyping bull shit books, I decided to go ahead and buy a book about Italian Witchcraft. Five or six chapters in, I feel nauseated and just a little bit irritated. No doubt it's not all bullshit- but the book reads like a college essay with long excepts from 19th century books as filler space by authors who's histories aren't explained nor their motivations for writing what they did. Needless to say, I'm aggravated at my purchase but will continue trucking through until the end of the book.

I think besides saying it all reads like BS, I have complaints in the lack of organization in writing... it jumps around and the labeled chapters seem to be disregarded completely. The author's main preoccupation seems to be proving that Italian Witchcraft is older than the Celtic and Northern European traditions as well as claiming that Italian Witchcraft has been handed down in hereditary traditions in an unbroken line.

And who the hell is Charles Leland and why should I believe anything he wrote? In the same tangent, why should I believe the author of this book when Leland is her only real source of written evidence besides trial transcripts from the times of the Inquisition?

Needless to say, I'm extremely skeptical of the historical background Raven Grimassi is presenting and liable to roll my eyes for the other 3/4 of the book I still have yet to read. I think this is going to influence me into buying more history books than Witchcraft books in the long run and read up on Etruscan and Ancient Roman history instead. And as for the Italian Witchcraft workshop I was planning on attending in a few weeks? I'm not quite so sure yet. I might go but no doubt will not be able to stamp out the cynical part of myself that might disregard the entire lecture and is all ready thinking the workshop will be a waste of 20$.

Well, maybe I won't be so severe about the topics covered in the book. I'll be taking notes from now on and plan to do some research about everything I'm skeptical about until I can come to my own well rounded conclusions about both the merit of the book and the merit of the sources.

Making the statement that I really relate to a manga is pretty fucking silly, especially when it comes to a popular girl's manga that many, many people like. While I may not voice it aloud to others, however, the little comments about life and love and finding happiness that are thrown about like narrative hit close to home every time I read the next installment.

Nana, Volume 2 (Nana)

Literally, "nana" means 7 in Japanese. Two girls by the same name- two backgrounds and respective relationship histories come together to become roommates and best friends. The story explores one Nana's struggles making it in the music industry-- while also showing the struggle of the other Nana regarding growing up, love, and happiness.

Interestingly the card I pulled to speak about this today was the Major Arcana VIII - Strength. Or 8. Or "hachi"- the nickname one of the Nanas gives the other... and whom I most feel like I relate to right now. Again, it brings up that whole childish thing about feeling like you relate to a fictional character. A graphic novel character, nonetheless! But I suppose amusingly, the tarot deck I'm using is the LS Manga... and things like this happen.

The Strength card covers so many different aspects of a person, but considering how much I've been preoccupied with my lovelife, Strength definitely represents my happiness. "Hachi" struggles to be strong and realize love... while at the same time I do the same. I'm not in a melancholy or depressed mood as I write this. I contemplate it with an even temper and its one of those things that makes me pull out the quote that really got to me from reading the manga:

Back in those days... I didn't really know how to love anyone. But I wanted so much to be loved."

Hachi

The end of the year is quickly approaching and as I reflect over what the fuck went on in my lovelife, I feel like a character out of this story. The beginning of the year I was filled with depression and longing over someone who didn't look at me in a romantic light. I hung on every single word and hint at interest, hoping to find something there that could give me affection, attention, and that fairy tale relationship. Unfortunately, I was left depressed for a long time only to have that connection fall apart, crashing and burning. Now I'm at the beginning of another and with the opportunity to grow hopefully- but then I remember that quote: "I didn't really know how to love anyone--". And I know its so very true.

I guess it asks me to really think about and contemplate what it is I'm looking for. Sex? A relationship? Or just the feeling of being in love?

The Strength card I'm looking at pictures a girl hugging a tamed tiger besides her. Is the tiger sleeping- or just calmly submissive? It doesn't matter, I don't think. But there are roses- lots of them- all of which are red and frame the lake near the bottom of the card. Speaking in "symbols", red roses are love and water stands for emotions- it's quaint.

As I continue to read the adventures of the two Nanas, I have to really look at my romantic patterns. To be honest with myself above everything else and to actually let myself "fall in love": whether it be just passionate feeling or true love. In a world of bitterness and cynisism, its difficult to get down to the bare bones of emotions... but there is a level of Strength in that, too. Admitting that you have those archaic and mundane feelings that are deemed petty. It's like being able to laugh at your own mistakes... but laugh deeply and heartily without regret. 

Its interesting to think that The Hermit card from the tarot is both my sun sign (Virgo) as well as a multiple of my birthcard ( III - The Empress). I think in general I'm usually confused as to what the fuck the Hermit means besides... thinking. A lot. People use the metaphor of the old village hermit that used to go off into the wilderness and do his own thing, even if it was unconventional. That he probably smelled, didn't mind peeing in the bushes, and would tell you you need to experience and do all the work yourself to really draw out the meaning of something. Although Buddhist monks seem to usually be pictured with other monks, I think of their reclusive nature as being of a Hermit-quality.

But honestly, how the hell does that apply to my daily life? As I type I'm sitting at the kitchen table, chai tea and cream cheese muffin besides me having just pulled that card to write about today. "What should I write about right now?"-- The Hermit. In my card is a girl holding one of those little toy things that kids have in their craddle- the ones that dangle over a baby's head and turn, except that its gold, looks light, and instead of random coloured animals, has stars and jewels dangling. She's carrying a staff in the other hand and I have no problem imagining her being one of those Vestal Virgins from Ancient Rome. (The deck I'm using is the LS Manga Tarot, by the way.)

Regardless, I know damn well that right now there's a lot of things for me to think about-- too many to eloquently and conscisely write about in this post. School, work, relationships, love life- there's way too much fodder to be kicked about and chewed upon until my teeth fall off. Or it could also be that if I were to dwelve into any of those topics, I would undoubtedly repeat myself over and over in the span of hours because I feel so strongly about them all.

It's pretty fucking obvious what The Hermit is saying: go out, think all of these things over in a timely manner and return back to the village with new knowledge and perspectives. But in the world of practicality, how far away should I go out? How long should I think of these things? Should I take notes? Should I write out a long proposal on how to manage all of these things? Frankly it seems more like something that The Emperor would do rather than The Empress. The Emperor with all his maps and notes and plans of attack to get shit done-- while The Empress would just dive in and let things happen as they happen- organically and chaotically at the same time. I suppose to some extent this really parallels life's contradictions. As a Virgo I embrace being able to plan meticulously every single detail when it comes an endevour or situation... but there's always that lingering sentiment that things should always go as naturally as possible.

So back we go to The Hermit and what the hell I'm supposed to write about today. I think the journey The Hermit takes is half over once you realize you actually need to sit there and think about things. I'm not saying people are shallow-- but I think the general consensus is that most people don't stop to sit down and think and come to their own conclusions. They think that the solution will suddenly come up on its own or that things will "work out in the end". Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't. I think The Hermit propels you to actually be consciously aware that it really is time to sit down, drink some tea and have a breakfast pastry, and list out what problem areas you're facing and reevaluate each and every one. Its a daunting task and rather frightening to consider that you actually are planning to sit there and THINK. And yes, I mean sitting there and pondering Aristotle-style with only the set mind of "I'm going to figure this the fuck out." Personally, I've found just writing and writing and writing about the problem gets my mind on a roll to where I eventually decide on my position having "discussed it" with myself. Yes, you could always tell your best friends about it, but they're not making the decision for you; you are, which is exactly what The Hermit is saying.

Go off by yourself, on your own, and just do what you have to do to come back with your own conclusions, your own thoughts and perspectives, and you'll undoubtedly be left with knowledge that you came to these conclusions ON YOUR OWN. You didn't have them handed to you on a silver platter like the rest of the sheep who usually prefer to refuse thinking past what's been laid out in front of them.